AMAZING PSYCHIC ABILITIES OF MUSICIANS

When requesting a song from the band, just say "play my song", or "it goes something like this" then hum a few bars! We have a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar & all songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge.

If we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding. Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be ... it helps jog the memory.

If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band. Any words.

If one member halfway knows part of a chorus, the rest of the band will instantly learn the entire song by osmosis. Knowing this, if the band still claims to not know your song, it helps to just keep requesting the same song every time there is a break.

It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The Band."

Entertainers are notorious fakers & jokesters and never really prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.

If a metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the next band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous band ever played, even if the current band is a blues or country band. It's the law. Feel free to yell AC DC or SLAYER!! to a band that plays strictly originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.

IMPORTANT

When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly & playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands.

Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits.
Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players.

Keyboard players are protected by their instrument, & only play the game when tricked into coming out from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.

TALKING WITH THE BAND

The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all members are singing at the same time (such as a multi harmony part). Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us. Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips.

Simply continue to scream your request & be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled.

Singers have the innate ability to answer questions & sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude.
We love this.

HELPING THE BAND

If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on stage. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage & join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound, & the louder you should sing.

If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up & attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, third & fourth part harmonies, or a tambourine played out of tempo. Try the cow bell, they love the challenge. The band always needs the help & will take this as a compliment.

VERY IMPORTANT

Remember to allow enough time to make it from the stage to the bathroom in case of an emergency. On stage accidents are bad form. The band will carry on.

BONUS TIP

As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position.

Another tip:

Don't forget to come up to the stage and strum the guitar as the guitarist is doing a kick ass solo or to pick at the bass during a song. The musicians just love it when random audience members come up and touch their equipment that is worth thousands of dollars.

Now thats funny!! We all know this has NEVER been actually attempted before!!

sounds like ronnie has had a gut full

Oh man, those were just awesome! And pretty well dead on balls accurate, too. God, I remember playing this party one time (back when I played) that our drummer "arranged" for us (more or less one of his college professors said, "Hey you got a band, right?" "Yeah." "Play our party." "Oh, OK. Sure!") So we're set up in this dining room area surrounded by these fish tanks that have snakes (I hate snakes) and these really drunk folks that aren't one bit interested in hearing our original tunes. They're clamouring for "In A Gadda Da Vida" and "Freebird," lol. We fought it all night, but finally we broke down and played the rocking part of "Freebird" just to shut them up. Of course this not only opened the door to the "Psychic Requests" and "Guitar Solo Fondling," but also "Drunk Gyrating" that in turn nearly caused me to ram my guitar into one of the snake tanks! Oh man, what a night that was!

In college our pretty-boy singer got his stuff squeezed a little too hard by very drunk and strong woman while we were attempting a SteelHeart cover. It was one of the most funniest things I've ever seen in my whole life. She got him right when he was at the end of the 2nd verse of "I'll never let you go" where Michael Matijevic hits real high. He literally crawled off stage and we had to take a 20 minute break. I've never laughed so hard...re-occuring stuff like that will make a guy sterile over time.

Maybe she thought he needed a little help with those high notes!!!!

OK I had to chime in.... I was doing a solo gig last week and a guy comes up in the middle of a song to hand me a beer. I'm playing and singing and he is standing there holding the beer out for me to take it. He then starts talking to me and asking questions like "Is this Bud Light what you drink?? If you don't want it how about a shot? Do you want this or not?" By now I was able to turn to him and say quickly "yeah.. Just set it down." He looked at me and said "What... I can't hear over your guitar" Here's your sign!

Another story from years ago in Milford Center at the old Darby Creek Tavern. We were playing and the bar was packed. We had just finished Freebird for a guy who said it was his birthday. The guy had been dancing and jumpling up and down and drinking way too much. The guy comes over and says you guys RocK you' re great and then grabs his chest and falls to the floor. We thought he was joking but no ....he was having a heart attack. His sister called the squad and a few minutes later they arrived and went to work on the guy. About this time the owner of the bar comes up to me a says Breaks over, I ain't paying you to watch this get back to work. I said no but the owner was serious and said now. I really didn't want to go back to playing with a guy dying on the dance floor right in front of the stage so I stalled. As they were taking him out we started playing and one of the squad guys comes over to the stage and says something... I said what? He yells YOU GUYS ARE PRETTY GOOD!! Yeah We almost killed em that night!!

Hey Charlie.....did ya give the medic HIS SIGN??!! LMFAO!!!

Man if we gave everybody their signs... we'd be outta signs!!
I need a beer!

HOOOOOOEEEEEYYYYY!!!!